Christmas Day 2020

 

Christmas Eve without Eamonn was hard. Christmas Day was even harder. What do you do when you have lost the love of your life; the companion with whom you shared celebrations and festivities for over 50 years? 

Christmas Day was empty. I had it all planned, A healthy breakfast followed by preparation of a late lunch. The menu was pinade (guinea-fowl) - slow cooked for 4 hours, adding a red wine sauce for the final hour. Roast parsnips and carrots were the accompaniment, together with the last of the Metz Cremant d'Alsace.  

I gave Alf his final present - a snuffle bowl mat, with his breakfast scattered into it. He had great fun finding the kibble, taking over 10 minutes to eat his breakfast.

I decided to have a very light lunch at 12.30. I'd woken up late and the dinner was behind its planned 2pm schedule. There was no way I was going to have a leisurely meal while watching the Queen's Speech at 3pm. 

Suddenly, everything felt pointless. The Queen said that no-one is alone. Well, sorry Your Maj. but knowing that I am in the same boat as loads of other people does not make me feel better or less alone.  For the first time ever, I took no comfort from the Queen's words. I appreciate her efforts to be there for her 'people' but I no longer feel part of that community, 

I've never seen the point of being told 'there are people worse off than you'. I know there are, but how does knowing that help? I've been alone for the best part of a year. The Pandemic has put paid to any hopes of getting back into society and making my life purposeful again. It's also made it more difficult to accept being cut-off by my sister and two sisters-in-law. No Christmas greetings from any of them. 

There were, however, greetings from lots of others, both family and friends. One especially, who wrote that she greatly admired my tenacity and true grit this year. She thanked me for my friendship.  This was probably the greatest gift I have received this Christmas.                                                                            
So I decided to try to be optimistic again and put on a my Christmas dress and cardi. I'm sure I'm not the only person to have put on weight during Lockdowns 1, 2, and 3, but it's yet another obstacle in the battle for normality. At least the dress I bought in the summer still fits, even if the pear-shape is more pronounced than it was.

After a small helping of Christmas Dinner and an indulgent helping of dessert, I escaped reality by watching an episode of The Medici and listening to some Queen to raise my spirits.