Eamonn used to say that my lungs and mental state were inextricably linked. How right he was. During the current mini heatwave, I have recognised that the physical effects of heat correlate closely with my mental health and vice versa.
The first time I suffered from extreme anxiety was during the long hot summer of 1976. I'd just completed my teacher training and had landed my first full-time teaching post. Kate had spent the year full-time at nursery school - she was three at the time.
During our holiday in Wales I became extremely anxious and was treated with sedatives. On our return home, during my first term at my new school, I eventually became so ill that I was referred to mental health, and treated with antidepressants. I've been on and off them ever since.
My next severe 'breakdown' was in 1995. We were cruising the canals during the school holidays. Heat is a problem on a narrowboat - they are built to keep it in.
On August 12, my Dad died. I never recovered, suffering a series of chest infections through the Autumn and Winter, and eventually succombing to a major depressive episode. My GP advised early retirement through ill health.
The next killer heatwave, was 2003. We spent most of it aboard our narrowboat in Southern France. There was no escape. It was here that I became seriously ill and have been phobic about the heat ever since.
My blood pressure has been high since then, and any stressful events that affect my lungs, bring on asthma and eczema.
As I get older, it takes longer to fully recover from the effects of heat. Anxiety invades my sleep, dreams become nightmares, and the whole cycle of physical/mental/physical illness gets worse. I have routines that work in the house, but I don't want to be a prisoner any longer. Lockdown has affected everyone, add in the heat and I regress. It doesn't help that I am now alone and without the support that allows me to limit exertion during the day.
I was lucky at Hertford, the heat lasted only a day and a half. Once the furnace-wall had been cooled by the rainstorm, I could venture out from under the Skadu. Unfortunately, the lasting effects are taking a lot longer to dissipate.
One good thing about recognising the cause of the cycle if symptoms, I no longer think it's my fault for not being resilient. There's only so much positive thought can achieve. Being aware of physical disability and adapting to it, is just as important.
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