Life story

 

When Eamonn died, I saw myself as just half a couple, an old, lone widow. I set up a Facebook page as a Memorial in photo-journal form. I was glad I did; the pandemic wiped out the chance for the school to hold a public Memorial event.

I began to get negative comments from some people. About how I should not show the bad times. This one in particular, taken two days after surgery, when Eamonn was in ICU, led to the comment "you shouldn't show pictures like that. The bad times were short compared to the rest of his lifetime." I was aware only of how happy Eamonn looked - he was alive, he had come through a dangerous operation that he thought might kill him

This made me think about all the journals I had written about our life aboard our narrowboat. We had some really rough (if not downright dangerous) times, but I always managed to put a positive spin on them. It's my way of telling stories about my life. 

So I continued, until I had posted one photo for each day in the year of my grief.

That's not to say that the journey through grief is easy, It was not. The pandemic is a scourge to people who are lonely - bereaved, elderly, living alone, even more so. If there is no one to share your thoughts and reactions with—to talk to about a film, to discuss a book with, or to tell who you met for a meal—that event loses continuity. It can never be referred to again because no one else knows it happened. Even before Eamonn died, I hated walking the dog alone because of this need for sharing.

Not only is there no one who knows where you have gone or what you have done or seen or thought, no one cares. I understand why people Tweet—they are searching for someone to share the minutia of their daily activities. It is a quest for someone to know and care about one’s comings and goings. In other words, to find a witness to one’s life.

So what is the solution? Another person equally alone who would like to also fill the empty hours with a human voice, a person who wants to know what you did today. A friend is someone you can be vulnerable with, who knows the secrets, who cares for your happiness and can be counted on in bad times.  I have found technology has offered a lifeline. Two old schoolfriends renewed contact with me. One Facetimes me every week, the other has been on holiday with me, twice. Family members have emailed and Facetimed too.

If one cannot have the one friend who is always there, the solution is to have several friends who

together fulfill your needs. The pandemic wreaked havoc with that, although my Ukulele group persevered with weekly Zoom meetings throughout each Lockdown. "Nothing's as good, if you don't share it". So says Ricky Gervais' character, Tony, in After Life. 

Tony might be the character at the center of After Life, but it’s not really a show about him. It’s a show about all the people around him, in his little world, and how he might be able to impact their lives in a positive way and bring some of the meaning and purpose back into his life. 

The  message of the show is exactly this: We’re not just here for us, we’re here for others.  Selfishness gets us nowhere. Being nice, spreading love, offering a helping hand, and committing the occasional random act of kindness are the way forward, and the way to make our time on this Earth count. The show has also made a deep connection with millions of people going through the same issues as his character across the world. At its core, After Life is a show about what it takes to be happy.

Again, the pandemic scotched any plans I might have for doing this - until I found the Good Grief Trust. The weekly Zoom session opened up the possibility of doing something I had wanted to do before Lockdown1. The area where I live houses a large population of elderly people, some of whom live alone. I wanted to start a social meeting group in the local community centre.  The Good Grief Trust has been running pop-in grief cafes for over a year. During the current Lockdown, there are regular Zoom grief cafes. Under the umbrella of the Good Grief Trust, I have hopes of getting my idea up and running later this year.

A Society Grows Great When Old Men Plant Trees Whose Shade They Know They Shall Never Sit In.

Greek Proverb

I

It took more than a year to reframe my perception of myself into an OK single woman who can manage her life, find support in friends, engage in interesting activities, be there for others in distress, and find a new strength in going it alone. Thanks to friends and family, and strangers who became friends.